dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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