hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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