There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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