porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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