It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…