Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
last night I used snow as a chaser
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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