you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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