I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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