we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
