Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
don't judge my taste in strippers
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
