YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
