My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
