im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
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