i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
