Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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