For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
