i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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