i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
