Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
