If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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