I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
50% drunk capacity currently
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
