i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
