I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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