someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
