If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
