sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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