Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
