I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
This house was built for laser tag.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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