im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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