You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
