maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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