I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
