I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
