I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
