I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
