If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
