I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
