I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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