if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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