FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
