god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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