did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
