why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM