I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
