I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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