OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
