The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
