So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she smelled like a LAN party
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
