It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
