i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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