I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
