They should really pass out barf bags in church
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
