Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
