Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
