I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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